DOAKS

In light of the recent JFAQ success, I have chosen to take the FAQ’s to the next level. To a whole ‘nother level.

Here are the most frequently asked questions posed by the philosopher to the proprietor of VanityKippah:

Questions in bold. Responses in italics.

Are you sitting or standing at the moment?
Sitting. In a coffee shop.

Good. My questions will require intensive thought.
Got it. Shoot.

As the owner of this Kippah venture, I will begin by asking you a classic question in Kippah think-tank discussion; if a Kippah would fall in the forest when nobody is around, would there be a sound?
No. The Kippah is composed of leather material and it weighs about an ounce. I can’t imagine the impact causing a sound. Especially on the soft grounds of the forest.

What came first, the Kippah or the Kippot?
Well, Kippot is merely the plural version of the word Kippah. Like the words goose and geese.

Would we then be able to deduce that what is good for the Kippah is good for the gander?
Absolutely.

Theoretically, if a Kippah could engage in an arm wrestle with a Crucifix, who would win?
That question is not politically correct and I prefer to remain mum on this topic.

Is that because you think the Kippah would win and you are thus fearful that an honest answer could potential incite a rash bout of anti-Antisemitism?
Mum is the word.

Or, do you think the crucifix would be the victor and replying so would render you a self-hating Jew and lead to your ouster from the Jewish community?
Maybe.

Ah. I am enjoying this dialogue immensely. If an airplane of Kippot crashed on the border of the United States and Canada, where would they bury the survivors?
In a post 9/11 world, it would depend 100% on the citizenship AND work status of the Kippot.

Wrong. You don’t bury the surviving Kippahs!
That question was deliberately misleading. Please do not insult my non-philosophical intelligence. I am a busy man running a Kippah empire. Thank you very much.

Due to the nature of the site, I am the recipient of a different style of Frequently Asked Questions. They’re called the JFAQ’s; the Jewish Frequently Asked Questions. The questions provided below are factual. Except for the ones that were entirely fabricated by myself.

Questions in bold. Responses in italics.

Are you making money on your site?
My site is getting orders. I prefer not to get into specifics.

Can you please specify the volume of business on your site?
I’d rather not. I actually just stated in my previous response that my preference is not to indulge in the details.

Why won’t you share this information with me?
It’s proprietary. It’s my business. Not yours.

What are your disgusting margins?
Excuse me? This is the first time I ever heard of the term “disgusting margins”. Perhaps you mean to say “gross margins”?

Gross. Disgusting. You say tomato. I say herring. All the same. Fine. I will rephrase. What are your gross margins?
Sir; this isn’t something I am going to discuss with you.

Idiot.
Is that a question or a statement?

Statement. Why did you think it was a question?
Just checking. If you do not mind, please refrain from the name calling. Thanks.

Where do you manufacture your Kippahs, you idiot?
In a factory. Not telling you where. I am ignoring the idiot remark.

Can I get a wholesale price on a Kippah?
Depends. How many do you want?

Just one. Maybe none. Can I get wholesale pricing or not?
Well, I can’t give you wholesale pricing on a single Kippah.

What if I do not want to buy ANY Kippahs from you. Can I get some sort of bulk discount then?
That doesn’t make any sense. At all. What’s the point of a discount if you’re not actually buying any?

These are my FAQ’s. Not yours. I ask the questions. You answer. Understood?
Yes.

I’m all out of questions for now. If I have more, can I ask later?
Yes, you may.