Archive for the 'Jewish' Category

Rabbi Wearing an Obamica!

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

Yesterday, like every day in my life save for the Sabbath, I spent too much time on the web. During which I discovered an article from the Rocky Mountain News. The article was about an inter-faith service for Democrats that occurred in August.

Accompanying the article is a photo of a Rabbi sporting an Obamica!

In this episode of guess the Rabbi, if you guessed Rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hersh Weinreb of the OU, you might be correct! Rabbi Weinreb attended the DNC in Denver and gave an address.

Not sure if this the same Rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hersh Weinreb of the OU. Unless he got hair transplants since this photo!

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A Lame American Carol

Monday, October 6th, 2008

I have a conservative friend. Not a conservative Jew. He’s actually an Orthodox Jew with a conservative viewpoint on the world and society. For example, he believes that bestiality is wrong. Yes. He is somewhat narrow minded. But he is still my friend.

A few weeks back, this conservative friend, begins to noodge me about a soon to be released film called “American Carol”.

First off, the term “noodge” is Yiddish for “bugging”. For example, “My friend Alison would not stop noodging me to give her a foot massage“. Disclaimer: I don’t have a friend Alison and she has never requested a foot massage. And even if I did have a friend Alison, there is ZERO guarantee that she would ask me to massage her feet.

Noodge can also be a noun. For example, “This guy who works in the cubicle next to me is a such a noodge“. In this context, the term “noodge” means a “pain in the neck”. Another disclaimer: I do not work in a cubicle.

Anyways, my friend really wanted to see this movie. An American Carol is supposed to be a first of its kind; a comedy from the right that lampoons the political left. So, I acquiesced to see the movie with him. From the get go, the trailer didn’t seem that funny. And, the WSJ weekend edition did not review the movie. So, those were two red flags.

An American Carol is directed by David Zucker, a Jewish ex-Democrat. More here. Zucker worked on spoofs like Airplane, The Naked Gun, Scary Movie & Kentucky Friend Movie.

We arrived late to the theater. I was expecting the theater to be barren and desolate. Surprisingly, it was not. My friend was upset we were late. He whispered in my ear “I’m going to kill you”. Luckily, he didn’t mean it seriously. I hope.

An American Carol has an impressive list of comedy actors including Kelsey Grammer& Leslie Nielson. Plus, Jon Voight, Paris Hilton, James Woods, Gary Coleman and Bill Oreilly make cameo appearances. The movie makes fun of Michael Moore. What could go wrong? Pretty much everything.

For one, the script was awful. The gags made me gag. The jokes were sparse. And it felt like a drawn-out infomercial for the Republican party and the neo-conservatives.

Most of the movie is spent making fun of documantarian (a humanitarian who makes documentaries; my concoction!) Michael Moore, aka Michael Malone. The guy who plays Malone does not have a single humorous cell.

Instead of actually making fun of the “radical left”, the bulk of the movie is dedicated to ridiculing Michael Moore. Here’s the jokes used to make fun of director Moore/Malone:

1- He is fat. Haha!
2- He only makes documentaries. LOL
3- He likes to eat. Hehe!
4- He has bad hygiene. OMG. SO FUNNY!
5- see #2
6- see #1
7- see #5
8- see #4

And over and over again. What a shame. Not sure what the heck the producers of this movie were thinking.

Even my ultra-conservative/red-Republican friend who thinks that incest isn’t right, did not enjoy the movie!

Here’s the trailer:

Commentary on the David Blaine Hanging

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

David Blaine is hanging. Nothing to be alarmed about. He did this on his own. Blaine is Jewish. In fact, he even has a tattoo with the Auschwitz number of author Primo Levi.

Anyways, I just wanted to say that it’s good Blaine is not wearing a Yarmulke during his most recent stunt. Why? Because it would undoubtedly fall off his head, whilst being suspended upside down. (That’s why I haven’t performed this stunt myself!)

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Even if he’d secure the Kippah with magnets, it would be a distraction. Naysayers would use this as further evidence that he is cheating. And perhaps the Kippahs would get a bad rap….

In a future post, I will elaborate on the various methods to getting a Kippah to stay on ones head.

Btw, with Blaine’s extreme tolerance for pain, I wouldn’t be surprised if he gives Orthodox Judaism a shot…

My Rubashkin Op-Ed…Published!

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008

A milestone in my life. No. It’s the fact that I just got my Nintendo Wii. That’s the highlight of my life. And proudest moment. Not a milestone. A few weeks ago, I yammered about writing an article about Rubashkin. Anyways, I did. It’s published in this week’s Jewish Press. Here it is:

So much has been written about the Rubashkins, specifically the allegations made against their company. AgriProcessors has been filleted by writers, roasted by bloggers, and smoked by former employees. It’s not my purpose here to defend the company against those allegations; I’ll let the public-relations professionals and attorneys handle that. I merely wish to share my personal experiences with Rubashkin meat.

In 1994 I was living at home, in Hallandale, Florida (a city about 30 minutes north of Miami) when it was decided I would go to a yeshiva out of town, as there were no Chabad yeshivas in the area. I informed my parents I wanted to study in a yeshiva in France because that’s where my classmates in Miami were headed.

That summer, we made all the necessary preparations. Since classes at the French yeshiva were taught in Yiddish, my parents hired a tutor to teach me the basics of the language — basically, if someone is procrastinating, say “nuuuuu?” and if a miscreant pulls into a parking spot you had your eye on, mutter “aaaach!”

Finally, it was time to depart. Swimming in my bar mitzvah black hat and wearing dark trousers with white socks, I was a real 14-year-old fashion plate that day at Miami International Airport. Spanish blared over the intercom with sporadic English announcements. I recall the pride in my father’s eyes — his eldest son was going away to yeshiva.

My mother was also shepping nachas but would have preferred a school closer to home - somewhere, say, in Canada or New York.

At the airport gate, my dad congregated with the fathers of my friends. I recall their discussing how when they went to yeshiva they had two pairs of pants, maybe three. Now their children insisted on ten pairs minimum — some of them even cuffed!

The French yeshiva was known for its rigorous learning. It was also notorious for its less than tasty food, which, to add insult to injury, was served in such tiny portions. (There’s an oft-repeated story about a founding father of the yeshiva observing his students eating bread and butter and commenting, “I understand they want to eat bread and butter. But why does the butter have to be on the bread?”)

During my three-year stay, I often went to bed hungry. I survived on baguettes, which became as difficult to consume as they are to spell. Yes, I know Americans typically consider the baguette be a French delicacy. That’s because they eat one every six months. Try living on it for thirty-six consecutive months, excluding Passover, without much else.
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Another thing: baguettes taste best when fresh. But as time passes - a week or so in the squalor of a yeshiva kitchen usually does the trick — the bread turns coarse, rough, and barely edible.

Things would have been much more bleak for my stomach had it not been for a small contingent of fellow students. Luckily, there were several Rubashkin boys among our ravenous group. Without fail, every Shabbos afternoon, during the day’s customary third meal, the Rubashkin clan would bring out vacuum-packed rolls of smoked turkey and salami.

Their spoils were graciously shared with all the other students. In addition, some savvy American students had managed to smuggle boxes of ketchup and mustard packets into the yeshiva, which enforced a strict ban against bringing in outside food. The condiments were considered contraband; we considered them essential to our Shabbos repast.

We would take those wonderful slices of meat and a ketchup packet and create a sandwich on the always available baguette. This was the highlight of my Shabbos. The prayers were nice. A lighter study schedule was enjoyable. But those cold cuts were heaven on earth. The manna in the desert had nothing on the smoked meat the Rubashkins dispersed to the throngs of starving yeshiva students. (In fact, the wandering Jews complained to God about the manna, saying they’d prefer meat.)

Incidentally, I also had the good fortune of rooming with a Schmerling from Switzerland. His family owned the large Zurich-based cheese and chocolate company. Shmerling had an insatiable appetite for crunchy peanut butter, which for some reason was not kosher back in the Swiss Alps. I, on the other hand, hailed from the United States, where kosher peanut butter was plentiful and abundant.

On more than one occasion Shmerling and I engaged in barter: two bars of dark chocolate for one plastic jar of peanut butter, which had managed to remain intact despite traveling overseas in my duffle bag.

Schmerling also had a weakness for cucumber and mayonnaise sandwiches. Naturally, he was adamant about using a particular brand of Swiss mayonnaise - one that, I kid you not, came in a tooth paste-type tube.

Today Schmerling is a respected Chabad shaliach somewhere in Florida. For me, though, he’ll always be that earnest young man meticulously applying mayonnaise from a toothpaste-type tube onto French bread.

Getting back to the Rubashkins, I realize the immense company they built from scratch is under intense criticism from certain quarters. But I confess to harboring a most favorable bias when it comes to that family - a bias based on some very generous young Rubashkins sharing some very delicious cold meat with some very hungry fellow yeshiva students on some very long Shabbos afternoons.

Shmuel (Shmuly) Tennenhaus is CEO of VanityKippah.com. He lives in Seattle, where he has developed an affinity for fish.

10 Signs Sarah Palin could be an Orthodox Jew

Friday, September 5th, 2008

Good Friday. Despite my car having a run-in with a pole in my building parking lot, I am in good spirits. Without resorting to the consumption of spirits or wine.

This past week, after the Palin nomination, there’s been rumblings about Palin and the Jewish vote. I will address those in a different post. Anyways, I am starting to think that Sarah Palin has all the symptoms of being an Orthodox Jewess:

1- She has five kids already, And possibly more to come.

2- She has a pregnant teenage daughter

3- She enjoys moose hunting; a favorite pastime for Orthodox Jewish women

4- The name of her future son-in-law is Levi

5- She bears an uncanny resemblance to Yentel; taking on the establishment and being unafraid of the males in charge

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6- The name of her youngest child is Trig; the second most popular male name for babies born in Hasidic communities; wedged between Mendy and Yolie.

7- The stylish pile-on hair style, seems like something straight from Yaffa Wigs

8- Palin gets French style pedicures. Need I say more?

9- She fired the chef in the governors mansion. No Orthodox Jewish woman wants another cook messing in her kitchen…

10- Her husband Tom is part of a Union. And union rhymes with Minyan.

P.S. Make sure to check out the Presidents in Kippahs Gallery.

Bark Mitzvah, Muzzle Tov!

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

Drudge linked to a story about a guy spending 10K on a Bark Mitzvah for his dog Elvis. You can watch the clip here. Extended footage here. The dog gives a speech and even reads the Arf-Torah, while a fellow congregant dabs a tear.

(For those paying attention, the prayer book page that Elvis has open is NOT the page with the blessings on the Haftorah. Which obviously means that Elvis knows the blessing by heart!)

Please note that this was not my idea. The Bark Mitzvah video ends with the disclaimer: No animals were hurt in the making of this Bark Mitzvah.

While a Bar Mitzvah for a dog may seem like a new trend, it’s not. In 2005, Keith Olbermann featured another couple from Florida that made a Bark Mitzvah for their dog. When asked how they knew their dog was Jewish, the man replied that they figured it out because “the dog loves brisket and Matzah Ball Soup”. Credit to Keith on “Muzzle Tov”.

If you are wondering how to make a Bark Mitzvah, ehow.com has the directions.

Three things I’d like to state on the matter:

1) for my parents, if they read this blog, I repeat: the Bark Mitzvah thing was NOT my idea.

2) I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and non-Jewish dogs start celebrating a faux bark mitzvah.

3) There are some Jewish people worried that this tradition will cause Antisemitism amongst the canine community because other dogs will be jealous that Jewish dogs are rich and have fancy parties.

P.S. There are Dog Kippahs as well.

McCippah Sighting @ Phillies Game

Sunday, August 24th, 2008

Unlike Big Foot sightings, this McCippah sighting was not a hoax.

Last week, on August 21st, the Phillies hosted the Washington Nationals at Citizens Park. The evening was Jewish Heritage Night. Highlights included a Kosher food stand AND a Klezmer music performance that took place on the field.

Some of the McCippahs were in attendance as well. Tomorrow, I am going to a Seattle Mariners game. Still debating which Kippah to wear!

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Cops in Kippahs

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

Move aside Keystone Cops. Here comes the Kippah cops. My friend sent this to me. He spotted this on bangitout, which got it from the NY Post.

To translate this evolution in biblical terms: and the NY Post beget the Orthodox Cops, which beget the bangitout post, which beget the email from my friend Yossi, which beget this post.

When was the last time you saw a cop wearing a Yarmulke? I’m not talking about SWAT team or Secret Service. We’re talking the police! The article is great.

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Btw, Bangitout titled the post: The Real Yiddish Policemen’s Union. That’s a reference to the book written by Michael Chabon. Which I read. And did not like. It wasn’t funny. There was no depth to the characters. The book felt like it was going on forever.

Chabon also wrote The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, which I loved. That’s why the Yiddish Policemen’s Union was such a disappointment.

Dara Torres, a Yidisheh Mameh

Monday, August 18th, 2008

After being the bearer of bad news and breaking the hearts of Jewish girls across the world by announcing that Michael Phelps is not a Yid, I bring good tidings. Dara Torres, female Olympic Swimmer, is Jewish. And, she has a child, which makes her a certified Yiddishe Mameh.

According to this NY Times article: her father was Jewish, and Dara converted before marrying Itzhak Shasha, an Israeli surgeon.

This is definitely good for the Jews in some way. In fact, if I had to choose between the two, I’d pick Torres over Phelps.

Here’s one reason why:

dara-torres.jpg

A possible captions for this photo:

“The solution to Intermarriage”

Btw, did you know that Marilyn Monroe also converted to Judaism?

Here’s the conversion document from The Smoking Gun:

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Is Michael Phelps Jewish? (part two)

Monday, August 18th, 2008

Good Monday. It’s raining in Seattle. For those who do not live here, that sounds like an obvious statement. It’s not. The summers here are gorgeous. And now, with the weather report out of the way, we can proceed to other titillating news.

Last week, I blogged about the plethora of circumstantial evidence that proves that Michael Phelps does not celebrate Passover. Fine. End of story. A chuckle here. A chuckle there.

But not. The saga continues.

Check this out; on Saturday night, Phelps wins his 8th gold medal. Then, on Sunday, I check my site traffic and notice that visitors are reaching my site by searching “is michael phelps jewish“. More traffic is coming to the site today, again, from the search term “is michael phelps jewish”.

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If you search on Google, this Yahoo Answer ranks high. My traffic is coming from MSN and Live Search.

Here’s what cracks me up; why did Phelps need to win his EIGHTH Gold for people to start wondering if he was Jewish? Was 4, 5, 6, 7 gold medals not enough of a feat to be curious about his religion? Why did these search queries only begin AFTER his 8th Gold?

I wonder who is searching for this information. (Google Analytics only identifies what browser the user is on…not his/her religious orientations. Knowing Google, this info will probably be available in the nest year or so.)

Two types of folks are searching for this information, though my money is on the first:

1) Jewish people desperately clinging to the hope that Phelps is indeed Jewish. Why? Because that would be good for the Jews and maybe even bring out peace in the Middle East. In fact, if Phelps was Jewish, there is not doubt that he’d be in the running to be the Messiah. White donkey. White speedo. All the same.

2) The paranoid non-Jew, suspicious of all the Jews in power. Just a little fact-checking to make sure the latest American Hero isn’t Semitic!

Anyways, for the Jewish readers of this blog; yes, Spitz was Jewish and Phelps is not. And Phelps just broke Spitz’s record. BUT, that does NOT make Phelps an anti-Semite.