DOAKS

1. Judging by his speed, he is obviously NOT swimming with a load of Jewish guilt on his shoulders

2. During the races, his mom is cheering for him in the stands. She isn’t tanning poolside

3. He wolfed down a HUGE breakfast on Tisha Ba’av

4. His parents did not make him wear a bicycle helmet for the races

5. I haven’t made a Michael Phelps bathing-cap Kippah

6. Every Jew I meet in the street is NOT gushing to me “You know Phelps is Jewish!”

7. Phelps has not been accused by Iran of being an undercover Israeli spy with nuclear capabilities

8. The Rabbis have not issued a decree permitting observant Jews to watch Phelps race on the Sabbath

Good evening. The Olympics are playing in the forefront as opposed to “in the background”. So, please ignore the soon-to-be rampant spelling and grammar issues. And if you choose not to ignore the errors, I ask of you to not let them get to you.

A cousin of mine who has fallen out of touch with me recommended that I read a book called Foreskins Lament by Shalom Auslander. Every once in a while, we manage to exchange pleasantries and book suggestions on Gchat.

My cousin talked-up the book by telling me it is reminiscent of Philip Roth. In particular, Roth’s masterpiece, Portnoy’s Complaint. So, I duly ordered the book right away from Amazon. And received it two-days later, thanks to Amazon Prime, which was once upon a time the object of my frustration, but then became a good friend.

The book was terrific. I read it in bed in a single head-propped-up-against-the-wall-with-a-pillow session. Much funnier than anything Roth has spilled out lately. Roth reminds me of Woody Allen in the sense that both were once humorous and have refused to throw in the literary wash-cloth despite the dissipation of all talent.

Another thing; Foreskins Lament is non-fiction. Roth is all imagination. I especially enjoyed Auslander’s book because unlike Roth, Auslander actually grew up in a religious home and so his anecdotes are ones I can easily relate to. I’d lend you my copy, but, I already shipped it to another cousin in Victoria BC.

Auslander writes about his rearing in an Orthodox Jewish home. Basically, the religious lifestyle wasn’t for him. And so he rebelled. Big time. He began shoplifting. But because he was in a state of rebellion, he removed his Kippah before committing the five-fingered thievery. And security busted him.

Then Auslander realized that his Kippah would provide the perfect cover. Pun intended. So, he began shoplifting while wearing his Yarmulke. And sure enough, security never suspected him. Thanks to his “religious gear”.

Forget about a joker mask. Or gloves. The Kippah was his ultimate disguise for getting away with stealing in broad daylight!

Just had a wild idea for the site. Stay tuned.

Another week. Another poll result. Last week, we introduced the Kippak Poll. This week, we have the second installment.

To date, the McCain Kippah, the McCippah is outselling the Obamica, the Barack Obama Kippah, 52% to 48%.

Does this mean anything? I have no idea. A few possible explanations for the McCippah lead can be found here.

What do you think? Does this shed any light on the Jewish vote?

Next week, I will break things down by male and female orders. Maybe even throw in some data on conversion rates and page views.

In light of the recent JFAQ success, I have chosen to take the FAQ’s to the next level. To a whole ‘nother level.

Here are the most frequently asked questions posed by the philosopher to the proprietor of VanityKippah:

Questions in bold. Responses in italics.

Are you sitting or standing at the moment?
Sitting. In a coffee shop.

Good. My questions will require intensive thought.
Got it. Shoot.

As the owner of this Kippah venture, I will begin by asking you a classic question in Kippah think-tank discussion; if a Kippah would fall in the forest when nobody is around, would there be a sound?
No. The Kippah is composed of leather material and it weighs about an ounce. I can’t imagine the impact causing a sound. Especially on the soft grounds of the forest.

What came first, the Kippah or the Kippot?
Well, Kippot is merely the plural version of the word Kippah. Like the words goose and geese.

Would we then be able to deduce that what is good for the Kippah is good for the gander?
Absolutely.

Theoretically, if a Kippah could engage in an arm wrestle with a Crucifix, who would win?
That question is not politically correct and I prefer to remain mum on this topic.

Is that because you think the Kippah would win and you are thus fearful that an honest answer could potential incite a rash bout of anti-Antisemitism?
Mum is the word.

Or, do you think the crucifix would be the victor and replying so would render you a self-hating Jew and lead to your ouster from the Jewish community?
Maybe.

Ah. I am enjoying this dialogue immensely. If an airplane of Kippot crashed on the border of the United States and Canada, where would they bury the survivors?
In a post 9/11 world, it would depend 100% on the citizenship AND work status of the Kippot.

Wrong. You don’t bury the surviving Kippahs!
That question was deliberately misleading. Please do not insult my non-philosophical intelligence. I am a busy man running a Kippah empire. Thank you very much.

Due to the nature of the site, I am the recipient of a different style of Frequently Asked Questions. They’re called the JFAQ’s; the Jewish Frequently Asked Questions. The questions provided below are factual. Except for the ones that were entirely fabricated by myself.

Questions in bold. Responses in italics.

Are you making money on your site?
My site is getting orders. I prefer not to get into specifics.

Can you please specify the volume of business on your site?
I’d rather not. I actually just stated in my previous response that my preference is not to indulge in the details.

Why won’t you share this information with me?
It’s proprietary. It’s my business. Not yours.

What are your disgusting margins?
Excuse me? This is the first time I ever heard of the term “disgusting margins”. Perhaps you mean to say “gross margins”?

Gross. Disgusting. You say tomato. I say herring. All the same. Fine. I will rephrase. What are your gross margins?
Sir; this isn’t something I am going to discuss with you.

Idiot.
Is that a question or a statement?

Statement. Why did you think it was a question?
Just checking. If you do not mind, please refrain from the name calling. Thanks.

Where do you manufacture your Kippahs, you idiot?
In a factory. Not telling you where. I am ignoring the idiot remark.

Can I get a wholesale price on a Kippah?
Depends. How many do you want?

Just one. Maybe none. Can I get wholesale pricing or not?
Well, I can’t give you wholesale pricing on a single Kippah.

What if I do not want to buy ANY Kippahs from you. Can I get some sort of bulk discount then?
That doesn’t make any sense. At all. What’s the point of a discount if you’re not actually buying any?

These are my FAQ’s. Not yours. I ask the questions. You answer. Understood?
Yes.

I’m all out of questions for now. If I have more, can I ask later?
Yes, you may.